
It’s hard to believe that 1-week from today, I’ll be marrying the love of my life. So much time has gone by since that rainy evening at the Kennedy Center 13-months ago when John first popped the question and changed the course of history for the two of us forever. If there’s one thing I am sure of, it is that transitions in life are truly telling of your character. In both the good and the bad, it requires you to reach deep down inside and reflect on who you are, where you’re going, and what you’d like to be. These last 13-months have uprooted emotions, fears, dreams, hopes and prayers that I didn’t even know existed in this heart of mine. They’ve sprung on me at the most random of moments and have presented themselves in all sorts of shapes and sizes.
Just last week on a sunny and peaceful Friday afternoon, John and I reflected on the wild wild ride this past year has been. In a way, we’ve felt that this year of our engagement has been a time of looking at each other long and hard and saying, “this is who I am”. We’ve had our ups and downs, our “sideways” and “upside downs” – but ultimately we always arrive right at the same place: committed, in love, hand-in-hand and marching down the same dusty old road – together.
For me, the wedding process was a lot more emotional of a journey than I expected. I found myself having an equal amount of moments of intense happiness to palpable fear. I was nostalgic in the moments when all I wanted was my father’s 6’2 confident and charismatic presence to beam down at his first-born baby girl – and heartbroken to know that though he’s no longer here with me on earth, he’s for certain a part of the celebrations up in heaven. He’s there – trust me, he’s there. There have been moments where I was sure I’d combust from the love, affection, and deep deep adoration I feel for my husband-to-be, as well as moments I was sure I’d hurl myself and choke him if one more smart-ass remark came out of him mouth {love you honey}.
In a way – our engagement has been like a terrible game of poker, where we’re both the worst of bluffers, and ultimately decide to put all our cards on the table, so to speak. Truthfully, to “live in love” is to accept that together, you’re dancing this intense, passionate tango with one another – that’s both gentle and aggressive, and bound to cause you to step (or stomp) on each other’s toes at some point. And like the sensual Latin dance – at times it’s unclear who’s taken the lead.
In our engagement, we’ve learned that the way we’ve done things individually may not be the best way for the “common good” of our dynamic, and that sometimes biting your tongue and walking away – is a lot easier than having to apologize for days (or weeks) for moments of anger.
I see myself for who I am. I see the things that John loves me for that I never noticed about myself, and I also own the quirks that sometimes drive him wild or make him keel over with laughter.
I see John for the amazing man his mother and father raised him to be. I see his old 1920’s soul that bleeds with a sense of duty, honor, and loyalty for not only his country – but “his people”. Me. Our future little ones. I see his insecurities, his shortcomings, his strengths and weaknesses – and love him that much more for it.
I love my mom and dad a little harder these days because I now know how their journey started. I appreciate my siblings that much more – because in this whole wide world – they’re the only two people who were a part of my little world growing up. We get each other – and no explanations are necessary.
Everyday I fall more in love with my mom and dad “to be”. They have hearts of gold and will be the very best fountain of love and support for decades to come.
So yeah, you could say it’s been an “emotional” ride. But if there is one piece of advice I’d give you as I stand here about to take my own leap of faith is: “enjoy the ride”. Own the chaos, the tears, the laughter. Cherish the moments of passion equally as the moments of anger. If you want to be hysterical for a few days, do it. If you’re confused – live through it. It’s all a part of the plan.
In the meantime, I’ve got 7-days to go until I walk down the aisle towards the one man who has my one heart. I’m trying to be patient but I’m ready baby.
So very ready.
xo